Endings

How do we know when something has ended? Is it when someone says goodbye? Is it when someone stops talking to you? Or is it when it stops hurting? 

Why does it hurt? Why do we continue to care after something has ended?

Because

It

Mattered

There are so many things that we avoid. As humans we avoid anything negative, and that includes feelings. We avoid these feelings of hurt, loss, sadness, and instead only allow ourselves to admit the more positive emotions of happy, ecstatic, and pleasant. What we don't realize is that by avoiding those negative emotions, we are prolonging our own pain.

We need to admit to ourselves, "Hey, yeah this hurts. It hurts because it mattered." We need to give that ending, whether its a friend, a job, a relationship, the acknowledgment it deserves. We need to admit to ourselves how much that friend meant, how much you really loved that job, or how much that relationship meant to you. Until we are able to admit this, and admit the emptiness we feel as a result, the pain will continue. 

It's okay to admit how much it mattered. Some think that admitting this makes you weak. I think it makes you so strong. You are so strong to be able to say that after everything that happened, they mattered and you are sad about it. It takes such strength mentally and emotionally to be able to admit that.

If you want to take it a step further and let that person know, that is amazing. Just be sure that you are doing it for you and not to create guilt in that person. Being able to express yourself, without anger, to someone who hurt you shows how much strength you have and how much you value yourself. This is often hard to do because of the response you receive from them. Anger? Understanding? Silence? I think the most painful it silence, at least for me. I was honest, I opened myself up and admitted where things could have been my fault, I even thanked them for having been my friend and all of the memories. It hurts because I do not understand how I could have been so open, and willing to talk things through, with zero response. There was no acknowledgment of what I said. I do find myself wondering "Did I mean so little to you that you don't care or can't be bothered enough to respond?" "Did I believe our friendship to be stronger and closer than it actually was?"

But, I know that  this is not going to get me anywhere. I need to focus on being okay knowing what the friendship meant to ME and how great MY loss is. Because in the end, that is all I have control over, myself and my feelings.