Endings

How do we know when something has ended? Is it when someone says goodbye? Is it when someone stops talking to you? Or is it when it stops hurting? 

Why does it hurt? Why do we continue to care after something has ended?

Because

It

Mattered

There are so many things that we avoid. As humans we avoid anything negative, and that includes feelings. We avoid these feelings of hurt, loss, sadness, and instead only allow ourselves to admit the more positive emotions of happy, ecstatic, and pleasant. What we don't realize is that by avoiding those negative emotions, we are prolonging our own pain.

We need to admit to ourselves, "Hey, yeah this hurts. It hurts because it mattered." We need to give that ending, whether its a friend, a job, a relationship, the acknowledgment it deserves. We need to admit to ourselves how much that friend meant, how much you really loved that job, or how much that relationship meant to you. Until we are able to admit this, and admit the emptiness we feel as a result, the pain will continue. 

It's okay to admit how much it mattered. Some think that admitting this makes you weak. I think it makes you so strong. You are so strong to be able to say that after everything that happened, they mattered and you are sad about it. It takes such strength mentally and emotionally to be able to admit that.

If you want to take it a step further and let that person know, that is amazing. Just be sure that you are doing it for you and not to create guilt in that person. Being able to express yourself, without anger, to someone who hurt you shows how much strength you have and how much you value yourself. This is often hard to do because of the response you receive from them. Anger? Understanding? Silence? I think the most painful it silence, at least for me. I was honest, I opened myself up and admitted where things could have been my fault, I even thanked them for having been my friend and all of the memories. It hurts because I do not understand how I could have been so open, and willing to talk things through, with zero response. There was no acknowledgment of what I said. I do find myself wondering "Did I mean so little to you that you don't care or can't be bothered enough to respond?" "Did I believe our friendship to be stronger and closer than it actually was?"

But, I know that  this is not going to get me anywhere. I need to focus on being okay knowing what the friendship meant to ME and how great MY loss is. Because in the end, that is all I have control over, myself and my feelings.

What if.

How do you know when it's time to let go?

When it's been a week? A month? A year? Sure it will be different for everyone, but how do you know that you are supposed to let go? How do you know that God isn't trying to make you realize what you really want and trying to tell you to go for it? How do you know that God isn't telling you that you do need to stop and let go? Which one do you trust? Will you ever know for sure?

There's so many things people tell us to listen to. They say listen to your heart, trust your gut, what does your head tell you. What if each of those is a different answer? Now what? We go back to square one.

Whether you listen to your heart, trust your gut, or follow your head you will alway have a "what if…" Those "what if" moments can make you feel worse than you did the moment it happened.

Why can't we be okay with our answer? Why do we have to second guess or wonder how things could be different? It doesn't matter, not really. You have your answer, and no amount of "What if's" and "Maybe if I would have done this," could change that. Are we wrong to "What if" situations,? Absolutely not. When we "What if" situations, we try to look at what we can do better in the event we are in a similar situation in the future, at least thats what "What if" situations should be for. What is wrong is when we always look at how the situation was our fault and consistently blame ourselves. What is wrong is, for example, when you have a friend hurt you and you "What if" every thing you did to try and find out how it is your fault , what you could have done wrong, how did you offend her, or how you could have prevented it. What is wrong is when you have a guy you like who seemingly liked you back and he starts hitting on another girl when he thinks you're not looking and you "What if I had done this or that, then maybe he would be with me."

Here's a "What if" for you: "What if your friend hurting you, really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her?" "What if that guy is just a douche?" If we sit here and try to figure out why this happened or why they did that, we are going to drive ourselves crazy. Maybe we will never understand, and that is okay.

Maybe we "What if" because we are always try to find the best in others. That is not a bad thing. We should always try to find the best in others, just make sure you are not finding the worst in yourself in the process.

Maybe we should start trying to find the best/good that we had in those relationships. The great times, memories, and experiences you shared with that friend. The exciting moments and warm and fuzzies that guy made you feel. Hold onto that instead of retracing your steps and blaming yourself. You are amazing and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life.

Moving On and Growing

I have been working as a full time therapist (yay!). I am a clinician in Triple P, which is an amazing parenting program. However, my last day is Friday. And I start a new full time outpatient therapist job the following Monday. I have not been at my current company for too long, actually it has only been 6 months. It was a very difficult decision for me to decide to leave. If you know me, you know I stick things out. If I make a commitment I will see it out no matter what. However, recently I  have begun realizing that my life is and will only ever be one. I will only live this time and this moment once. Do I want to live these moments somewhere that makes me unhappy and upset? Not really. I have gotten to the point that I can say that I deserve more. I am a great therapist. I love helping people. I love working as a team with other clinicians. I deserve to be at a place that loves their job as much as I do. I also deserve to work somewhere that will treat everyone fairly and where the clinicians respect the company, the government, and their clients. Who will not try to fix something by making up for what the team members are lacking by placing it all on the newest member. You cannot fix a house with a crappy foundation by putting a new roof on it. It just doesn't work that way. I am so thankful for everything I have learned and all of the growth that I have done. I am especially thankful that they have given me the chance to stand up for myself and decide what I want without letting others thoughts and feelings change my decision. I am excited for the new opportunity I am being presented and I am excited to be working with some amazing therapists.

I have had other areas of growth in my life lately. I am not going to go into them, but these last few months have been crazy, amazing, beautiful, difficult, challenging, gratifying, heartbreaking, and butterflies-in-your-stomach inducing. I feel like I am still trying to catch my breath, but I am not complaining. I am so thankful for all of the different opportunities, experiences, and people that I have gotten to meet. Sure it hasn't all been a field of roses, but those difficult times make the great times that much greater.

It is easy to lose yourself in the negative. I did that often. It is a constant process and reminder for myself to look for the good or positive in everything. There is always some positive in any situation if you look hard enough. The positive may not also be in that moment, but that situation may lead to something good.